Monday, November 30, 2009

Past Couple Of Days

So I know I've been MIA for a few days, the past couple of days I've been super busy. I have started to redue my room. I hadn't done anything with it since I was about 13, so Mister coming home motivated me to do some updates. I'm planning on uploading before and after pictures when its all done.

About him going to Iraq... We found out that he isn't going, yet at least. Seven guys out of the thirty from his shop are though and so I'm thinking that it's going to be only a matter of time. There's word that its going to be September of next year, but I have a feeling it will be sooner. We will see.

I know I'm late, but I hope all of your Thanksgivings went well. Mine was just fine. It was great seeing the family. I missed my Marine though, but thankful he's in my life. Him and I will have our "first" Thanksgiving together one year. I'm just thankful everyone in my life is safe and well.

Until next time...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Waiting

It's two in the morning and I'm sitting here shaking... Mister just texted me to let me know that they are bringing people up one by one to tell them if they're going to Iraq. My heart is racing. Tears are forming. A million things are running through my head, the main one: please dont be on the list to go. Every possible scenario is flashing through my head. Panic. Every text he sends seems like it might be the one that say's he's going. Every moment that passes seems like the it might be the moment that he's being told he's leaving.


Praying...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Visiting and War

Tonight was a good night. My Marine and I talked about visiting him in Japan around July 2010. Ugh that sounds so far away. Mainly, because it is. If I visit him in July, he'd be able to come home for a month in December 2010 (that is if they grant him leave) and then four month after that, his two years in Japan will be over! That will be a glorious day :) I do however want to take advantage of the fact that I now have a reason to go to Japan. I dont think I would've ever thought of going there until he told me how goregous it is. Take a look for yourself:


In less than eight months I will be laying on the
beautiful beaches of Okinawa!
 
Yes, it is beautiful...
In other news, a couple nights ago Mister told me that a man came into his shop and asked all of them if they'd want to go to Iraq or not (they only need a certain number of guys to go). War... now thats a scary word. I know deep in my heart that if he doesn't go while he's in Japan, the moment he gets back into the states they're going to ship him off overseas, which is possibly the scariest thought in the world. I'm worried it could come sooner than that though. Obama is thinking about sending 30,000-40,000 more troops over to Afghanistan and I dont want my Marine to be one of them. Selfish of me? Possbily. I know its their job and if he does go, I'll be home waiting for him and supporting him. That's what we all need to do, support our troops.

I'm exhausted and worn out though. Off to bed early tonight...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

"Time To Cut The Cord..."

The other night I did something that I never thought I would do... After a five hour conversation with Kyle, a lot of tears and Kleenex’s, I finally ended all communication with my ex. After just writing that, that sounds horrible to me, but its how it went. I'm embarrassed that my ex has such a hold on me. I'm embarrassed that it's this hard to say goodbye. I feel a deep pit in my stomach. Emptiness. I'm sad that I feel that I just lost a person that once was my everything. Key word: once. However, I'm proud of myself for taking care of me. I cut off what was holding me back all this time. I finally ended all ties to a person that hurt me more than words can describe. I feel free, but I am scared. I pray that I'm strong enough to keep this going. I pray I won’t give in. It’s not an option. If I were to text or call him I know it would become more of a problem than it already was.


It's weird. Ever since him and I broke up, his physical appearence disgusts me. I've looked at his pictures and I'm just like "dusche bag." Yet its the emotional attachment that I've carried for almost two years now that gets me. I'm not sure that I know how to let go... but its something I have to learn. I have to find a way to let go.

I feel horrible for Mister. He's everything I want in someone and more. He has every quality I want in someone, and yet he has to deal with all of this. He's strong. He hates it, but we're working on it together. When I finally sent the text to my ex about not having anymore communication, the look on my Marine's face was pure relief. He's proud of me. My family and friends are proud of me. I can't let them down. I'm not sure if it was something that I'd ever be ready for, but I know it was well overdue. Like my mom said, "It was time to cut the cord."

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Piece Of Closure

My ex texted me today. Apparently, he was bored. It's funny.. he called and texted me nonstop while he was in NC, then came home for two weeks..didn't hear a peep from him, and now that he's back in NC he decides to talk to me. What's up with that? Ugh, I don't even know.

Anyways, him and I actually had a very good talk today. Probably one of our best since the break up. During our conversation I asked him a quesiton that I had always been wondering and I finally got an answer to it. Now do I believe what his answer was? Not completely sure... its one of those situations where there's been so many shady things that I know longer know whether he is telling me the truth or if its just another lie. Truth or lie, it doesnt matter to me. I asked the question and it was something that I dont have to think about anymore. It was just one more step to closure.

I feel bad at times for Mister. Here is this amazing guy that I'm falling hard for and yet he has to deal with this ex crap. It makes me feel like a bad person at times. He knows all about it. He knows when I've talked to him and I tell him what we talk about. Before my ex even came home from Afghanistan, I told Mister I was scared and that part of me will always care for him since he was at one point my best friend. I feel like I can't not talk to my ex, because he's going to Afghanistan again soon and if something was to happen to him and I blew him off, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I talk to him for closure, for answers that I never got. I know I never have to explain myself and try to make you all see my side and thats not what this last little part is about. It's just some more thoughts that have been floating around in my head. At time goes on, I hope I can really give my Marine my whole heart, he deserves it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Our First Attempt At A Movie Night

Last night, Mister and I tried to watch our very first movie over Skype! I had found a really great link to watch a movie online. The movie came in perfect, I was so impressed! So I sent him the link and waited until he got to 6:01 in the time frame. Here comes the part where I said we TRIED to watch movie... There were so many people online at his base that the movie would not buffer for crap! So we're going to try again on Friday/Saturday. Hope the next time works!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

New Opportunities and I'm Terrified!

So I've been away for the past few days, I'm sorry. I've tried to find time to sit down and write, because I feel like I have SO MUCH to say, but with school and working it's been impossible.
I talked to Mister's mom for the first time on Skype the other day. It went pretty well. She said she approves! This is very good news :) She ended up asking me if I would like to have a girls day with her and his sister. They want to get to know me a little bit before his sister and I drive down to meet up with him at the airport. I was completely caught off gaurd by this opportunity, but knew that I couldn't say no. If I said no, then they would've felt like I didn't want to get to know them, which I really do! So we came up with an idea of having me, my mom, Mister's mom, and his sister to all go bowling and out for dinner. I swear this is all backwards, but its so much fun at the same time! I haven't even met my Marine in person yet and I'm meeting his family before I meet him! How crazy! I will definitely have to let you know how that goes. I'm extremely nervous and keeping my fingers crossed that it goes smoothly!
In other news, Mister found out that he might be able to make the rifle team and come back to the states. I'm so excited for him!! I know it would mean the world to him, because his dad is really big into hunting and all he's ever wanted to do is to make his dad proud of him. It breaks my heart. I'm so proud of him though :) It would also mean that I would have the opportunity to see him more often, which makes me one very happy girl!! He was also picked with five other guys to be a demolition instructor for foreign nationals! Its a very dangerous job because he will be teaching foreign countries how to properly demo things, meanwhile, they hardly know any English! I'm praying that my Marine stays safe and that all goes well. I need him safe and sound and I know that this is a very big opportunity for him. Please keep him in your prayers. He will be going to Thailand in Feburary for a few weeks which is when he will be doing his instructing.

I really have no other big news. I'm just trying to stay focused on homework and not fall behind in school. I've really been slacking this past month. I've just been so busy! Can't let myself slide, got to keep up...off to homework...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Special Four Words

NOTE: to keep my relationship with my Marine as confidential as possible, I will refer to him as "Mister". Just one of the many nicknames I have for him. Thank you for understanding!

I'm lucky enough to be dating someone right now who is willing to do whatever it takes to help me deal with things that I've been through. I've dated possibly the worst guys you could, and I've made many bad decisions that I'm not proud of. There's a lot of things that have happened in the past, that affect me and my relationship and yet he comforts me with the four words that I've learned to treasure the most so far, "It's you and me".

A few weeks ago, my Marine and I had a discussion on skype about my exboyfriend coming back from Afghanistan soon. I told him I feared that he would be coming home with the intentions of possibly trying to get back together. At one moment during the conversation, I couldn't even look at him, I was crying so hard. I wiped the tears from my eyes as he told me to look at him. He said, "Baby, I'm here for you. If you need anything let me know. I'd do anything in my power to help you. It's you and me. Remember that, you and me." It was exactly what I needed. He knew the words to say to calm me down and to make me realize even more just how perfect he really is for me. To anyone the whole "its you and me" thing, may sound dumb. But those words are something that I've learned to cherish and are words we bring up whenever one of us are lonely and down.

About two weeks after our conversation, my exboyfriend came home from Afghanistan and contacted me. I never really had full closure from him. It was a nasty ending to a relationship that neither of us ever really talked about. So the other day, him and I talked for the first time about details and situations and how bad he really did hurt me. Even though, it took him to be drunk to have the conversation and it may not be something he fully remembers, I feel that I got so much closure and so many questions out that I've been holding in for nearly six months.

My ex could never give me what I have with my Mister. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. At times, I really feel like he was a blessing from God. He's made me realize that the idea of the "perfect man" for me, really does exist...

There was something I remember looking back at and just having a "ah ha!" moment. Whenever I think about it, it still gives me goosebumps and pleases me with the biggest smile on my face. There was a guy that I was interested in before my Marine and I started talking [again]. He ended up "changing his mind" about me, but before we stopped talking, he told me that he was going to pray for me. He said that I deserved the best and that he was going to pray that I would meet that perfect guy. Not even two weeks later, I started talking to my Marine again and shortly after that, I realized he's perfect! :)

Monday, November 2, 2009

"I Owe Nothing To You!"

There is this great invention I used today. Infact, I use it about everyday. It goes by the name Skype and if you're in a long distance relationship then you will understand when I say it magically lets you talk to someone far, far away and makes it as if you were there beside them. I have looked into his eyes almost everyday even though he's in Japan. I've even fallen asleep to him playing guitar, all thanks to this wonderful computer device.

Because of Skype, my Marine and I have grown closer to each other than anyone could understand. I wish people could see how we are, how crazy I am for him. I wish they could see the way that I look at him and the way that he looks at me, like I'm the most precious thing he's ever seen. Instead, people tell me the love will fade, that Skype will become boring, and that he's just another guy in uniform. I can't escape my past with this one. This is my second military relationship. My first one was with a guy who I had been very close with for two years and who ended up breaking my heart. Like the instant of a flash, one moment I was "engaged"and the next: him and I were nothing.

It took me a long time to even look at a guy after that relationship. For the first time in my life, I decided that I needed to do things my way. I placed goals in my heart to keep me occupied and for the first time I was doing things for me. I started working out almost everyday and focused on school work, trying to improve my GPA. I remember at times feeling like my life was better than it had ever been, but then there were the times that I dwelled about the past. I'd find myself outside while everyone was asleep and just cry, that way no one could hear how much pain I felt. I would look at the stars, the same ones I knew my ex was looking at and ask, "Why?" Sometimes I might have been screaming, I'd be crying so hard. Thats the first time I've ever told anyone that...

Then my Marine came along and things weren't easy right away. I fought my feelings for him. I fought hard. But how can you deny something when it's so right? Eventually I let my guard down and let him in. Sometimes in love you have to take risks, you have to know that you could get hurt. Thats what I'm doing, living my life, taking risks, so that when I look back a few years from now, I know that I don't regret anything. Already I can tell you I don't regret him. He was the answer to my prayers.

The comments will still come; they stab me deep. I can't go back into time and erase that military relationship. Even if I could, I wouldn't, because I learned so much from it. For those who talk, yet say are my friends, go and talk. This is the situation I'm in, I'm falling hard for a man in the Marines, who is on the other side of the world. I can't say I'm sorry about it either. I'm starting to realize that I have nothing to explain anymore. That I don't need everyone's acceptance. "My past is my past and my relationship is mine, I owe nothing to you." -a quote taken from a message to a friend that doesn't support Kyle and I dating.

43 Days

In 43 days I'll be at the airport waiting for him to come off the plane so I can run into his arms. It's something I've been day dreaming about everyday for the past two and a half months. This is starting to become real, this man really does exist. He's a real person that I've been talking to which is something I think I'm finally just starting to grasp...

I met my Marine about two years ago on Facebook. When we first started talking I thought nothing about it. It was some good looking guy that just wanted to talk to me. For a while thats all that it was. Him and I stopped talking a few weeks after we started. Apparently, it was because I found out he was a Marine (I dont think that's why, but he insists that's what happened). A year and a half later, after experiencing some serious relationships that left me bruised and broken hearted, he entered my life again and hasn't left since. I knew he was different after our "second" first conversation with me. Jesus is a huge part of my life and without knowing that he randomly said, "You should know that God is my everything. He's my life. I've drifted away from God a little bit while being stationed here in Japan, but am working on his and my relationship." Tears about formed in my eyes after reading that. This guy was different and I needed to get to know him. I've come to realize over the next two and a half months that this Marine is everything I want in someone and more. He's my best friend.

In 43 days, we'll finally meet. The Marine I talk to every night on Skype before bed is actually a real person that I'll soon be able to hold. I'm picking him up at the airport with his sister that I've never even met yet... wish me luck with that... and will be jumping into his arms. There's nothing like that feeling. This isn't a "usual" relationship by any means, but it's our relationship.
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