Monday, November 2, 2009

"I Owe Nothing To You!"

There is this great invention I used today. Infact, I use it about everyday. It goes by the name Skype and if you're in a long distance relationship then you will understand when I say it magically lets you talk to someone far, far away and makes it as if you were there beside them. I have looked into his eyes almost everyday even though he's in Japan. I've even fallen asleep to him playing guitar, all thanks to this wonderful computer device.

Because of Skype, my Marine and I have grown closer to each other than anyone could understand. I wish people could see how we are, how crazy I am for him. I wish they could see the way that I look at him and the way that he looks at me, like I'm the most precious thing he's ever seen. Instead, people tell me the love will fade, that Skype will become boring, and that he's just another guy in uniform. I can't escape my past with this one. This is my second military relationship. My first one was with a guy who I had been very close with for two years and who ended up breaking my heart. Like the instant of a flash, one moment I was "engaged"and the next: him and I were nothing.

It took me a long time to even look at a guy after that relationship. For the first time in my life, I decided that I needed to do things my way. I placed goals in my heart to keep me occupied and for the first time I was doing things for me. I started working out almost everyday and focused on school work, trying to improve my GPA. I remember at times feeling like my life was better than it had ever been, but then there were the times that I dwelled about the past. I'd find myself outside while everyone was asleep and just cry, that way no one could hear how much pain I felt. I would look at the stars, the same ones I knew my ex was looking at and ask, "Why?" Sometimes I might have been screaming, I'd be crying so hard. Thats the first time I've ever told anyone that...

Then my Marine came along and things weren't easy right away. I fought my feelings for him. I fought hard. But how can you deny something when it's so right? Eventually I let my guard down and let him in. Sometimes in love you have to take risks, you have to know that you could get hurt. Thats what I'm doing, living my life, taking risks, so that when I look back a few years from now, I know that I don't regret anything. Already I can tell you I don't regret him. He was the answer to my prayers.

The comments will still come; they stab me deep. I can't go back into time and erase that military relationship. Even if I could, I wouldn't, because I learned so much from it. For those who talk, yet say are my friends, go and talk. This is the situation I'm in, I'm falling hard for a man in the Marines, who is on the other side of the world. I can't say I'm sorry about it either. I'm starting to realize that I have nothing to explain anymore. That I don't need everyone's acceptance. "My past is my past and my relationship is mine, I owe nothing to you." -a quote taken from a message to a friend that doesn't support Kyle and I dating.


Anonymous said...

I really like your quote, I may have to steal it. You're right though, there will be negative people out there who will say hurtful things but you know what? When we meet someone who we think is good for us but we don't go in expecting a negative result. Those things happen with all relationships, whether in uniform or not.

My ex/son's father is active duty and after him I never wanted to set eyes on a soldier again. Then I reluctantly became friends with a soldier and just like you said, "I fought my feelings for him. I fought hard. But how can you deny something when it's so right?"

Remember, your true friends will stand by you and those who don't aren't worthy to be in your life.


P.S. I'm adding you to my blog roll, I hope you don't mind. :)

(found you on 20 SB)

addicted2shius said...

Sorry I'm reading backwards but I just actually logged on via comp and saw your list on the right hand side. All I gotta say is rock on! I love it! I love this post so much! Never regret your past because it has molded who you are today and prepared to love and be loved by the man you are with now! And he loves you for who you are :) Friends will come and go but true love will last forever!

Not sure if you're a follower of mine but if not come check me out (PS I love scrapbooking so you'll see posts on my page from time to time)

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