Sunday, November 22, 2009

"Time To Cut The Cord..."

The other night I did something that I never thought I would do... After a five hour conversation with Kyle, a lot of tears and Kleenex’s, I finally ended all communication with my ex. After just writing that, that sounds horrible to me, but its how it went. I'm embarrassed that my ex has such a hold on me. I'm embarrassed that it's this hard to say goodbye. I feel a deep pit in my stomach. Emptiness. I'm sad that I feel that I just lost a person that once was my everything. Key word: once. However, I'm proud of myself for taking care of me. I cut off what was holding me back all this time. I finally ended all ties to a person that hurt me more than words can describe. I feel free, but I am scared. I pray that I'm strong enough to keep this going. I pray I won’t give in. It’s not an option. If I were to text or call him I know it would become more of a problem than it already was.

It's weird. Ever since him and I broke up, his physical appearence disgusts me. I've looked at his pictures and I'm just like "dusche bag." Yet its the emotional attachment that I've carried for almost two years now that gets me. I'm not sure that I know how to let go... but its something I have to learn. I have to find a way to let go.

I feel horrible for Mister. He's everything I want in someone and more. He has every quality I want in someone, and yet he has to deal with all of this. He's strong. He hates it, but we're working on it together. When I finally sent the text to my ex about not having anymore communication, the look on my Marine's face was pure relief. He's proud of me. My family and friends are proud of me. I can't let them down. I'm not sure if it was something that I'd ever be ready for, but I know it was well overdue. Like my mom said, "It was time to cut the cord."


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