Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Being A Downer

So today I just find myself being all down and empty feeling. Maybe part of it was because I saw the movie Brothers and I guess the fact that Mister and I were fighting the past couple of days doesn't help much either. Today was much, much better for us though. No arguments thank goodness. I think him and I are emotionally drained from the situation though. It's a tough one that him and a lot of other people just don't understand. No one really gets my point of view. Everyone just assumes there is still love-feelings for my past, when it really just comes down to me wanting to help someone who is going through a lot right now. Just being a caring person who wants to help someone in need. Thoughts swarm my head about him hurting himself down the road which brings me to the thought of what if I'm the only person he can turn to. I just don't want to have to live with regret one day. I don't want to have to find out something happened to him and know that I was someone that shut him out of my life. I dont want that to happen again, because I'm not sure what I would do. It's hard.

Our solution is basically to eliminate the problem, the problem being my ex. I know it goes much deeper than that (we have different views on ex's and whether or not to stay in contact), but I'm not sure if that's something him and I can work on while he's there and I'm here. I'm hoping that our solution to the problem in time will get easier. I'm hoping that I forget about him, although I know your memory just doesn't erase. Time heals, but you never forget... I hate that.

I've been thinking a lot today about seeking a counselor. I've thought about seeking one for six years now and have yet to finally go somewhere and be like " I need help." In the past I've always had a clear reason on why I knew I needed to see one. Whether it was dealing with my friends death or a sexual assault experience that happened two years ago or all of the other crap that I've gone through in my short years. Maybe I'll look into going to a Christian based one to see if I like it... I've said that many times before though in the past six years.

I think right now I just really want Mister to be home and I'm feeling empty because he isn't here. I'm longing for his touch. I just want to be held and told that everything is going to be okay. It just sucks because when your in a long distance relationship you can't hold the other person after you've fought. All you can do is comfort eachother with words when really all you want is a big hug and to be held. I will definitely be cherishing every hug while he's home. I don't think everyone really understands the impact of being able to physically touch their signficant other. It is a very important piece that no matter what technology you use today whether skype or text messaging, nothing will give you that sensation and warmth that a touch brings.

BTW! I'm sorry, I know that I've been leaving out some information in the past couple of messages, but for right now I want to keep it all between him and I and some close friends. The whole situation is long and complicated anyways and I wouldn't want to bore you with a five page post...


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