Friday, December 10, 2010
I can't seem to get out of this blah mood I'm in. I can't find anything to blog about (writers block?) and although I know there are things I COULD write about, I simply don't want to completely bore you all with it. I don't need a pitty party or make it seem like all I want to do is go on about anxiety problems, emotional problems, problems, problems, and problems. Don't get me wrong, there are many exciting things going on in my life. Mister is coming home soon as I've mentioned in my previous posts and Christmas is obviously just around the corner. I should be happy (and I am) but I'm just not HAPPY.
Maybe my problem is that I think too much. Often I feel like I need to have a certain topic in mind and if it's not an "entertaining" topic then I don't write about it. That's not the reason why I started this blog though (funny how it seems that statement pops up every now and then) and I don't want my blog to become like that.
The day that my blog started, I remember just wanting to have a way to journal that didn't hurt my hands by having to write with a pencil. I wanted to organize my thoughts, evalutate my problems, and to document things that were happening in my life. I started this blog to help myself - whatever that means. I didn't think anyone would be interested in my life and what was happening and what I was going through (both past and present) and so I just wrote. I simply didn't care. As followers came, I started caring. I don't post nearly as much about my past, because who wants to read someone hurting from things over and over and over again? But what if writing it all out is all that helps me? What if it's my therapy and I need it?
I guess I see where this post is going..
Let me clarify somethings before I end all the hurt from my past once and for all...
I don't regret my past - not one bit. Everything that has happened has made me a stronger person. I don't feel pity for myself and nor should you. There are many people who have gone through so much more in life. To me, I've been through little compared to most of you.
I don't remember much of my childhood. Most favorite memories of my childhood are based off pictures I've seen or stories I've heard. I do remember my parents fighting a lot however and dealing with the yelling through writing music. I have MANY notebooks filled with lyrics - all of which are no good. Infact, they often make me laugh. I wish I was better.
My school years up until middle school were always good. I often had anxiety about if I had any friends during lunch time, but to my parents this seemed like a normal thing. Until the past year, I think they now realize that, that is when my anxiety began and it's only become worse. I had many friends though and I guess you could say I was apart of the "popular" crowd. I remember going around with my friends and asking all the boys who'd they rather date out of all of us girls. All of them choose me but one. What a hottie, eh?
Middle school is where things got bad. During sixth grade I had problems with another classmate and became a victim of cyberbullying. I will never forget the day when my parents came across an aol instant message from a girl saying, "I'll kill you." The girl ended up getting a lawyer because she thought my parents we're going to press chargers. They never did and things only got worse from there.
Seventh grade was hell. One of my "best friends" had started a rumor that I had told my mom everything that she's done with guys (the list was long) and that my mom told her mom. Not true, but since she was apparently more "popular" everyone turned on me. I couldn't walk down the halls without being called a bitch or slut. I fell into a major depression that I hid from my parents. To this day, they don't know the extent of saddness I felt. Suicidal thoughts filled my mind all the way to the point where I knew how I'd take my life, if I felt I had to. I simply couldn't though. Knowing how hard it would be on my mom kept me alive.
This is when God entered my life and hasn't left since. I turned to Him and prayed every morning before school that things would be better that day. Normally it wasn't, but I knew God was there and that somehow I'd get through things. After a year, things did start getting better. They weren't perfect by any means, but they were better.
Starting high school was a major turning point for me. I didn't have many friends, but I wasn't being called a slut or bitch everyday either. I was content. I started to become really close with my neighbor who I had known all my life. Him and I always talked on the bus ride to school and would hang out at the same spots during passing time. Suddenly he started changing though (not for the bad, just different) and I started pushing him away. I was scared that he liked me and I didn't know how to deal with it. A couple months later while during passing, I found out he hung himself. The night I visited him with my brother and dad in the hospital was one of the hardest days of my life. The images will forever be engraved in my mind as I watched him lay in a bed hooked up to a breathing machine having seizures every few minutes. The thing I remember the most: the mark on his neck from the rope burn. I could burst into tears just thinking about it... After being on life support for 9 days, he died on Thanksgiving day.
I cried for two years almost everyday. Hating myself for pushing him away. Hating myself for having the same thoughts as him only a couple years earlier. Everyone at school made horrifying remarks about his death. Many laughed about it. I hate them for that. One day I woke up though and realized that I wasn't at fault. His death still hurts to this day and always will.
A year after my friend died and I was officially a sophomore in high school. This is when I had my first boyfriend. He was a nice guy. Last a couple months like most high school relationships do and then it was done. A month after we broke up and it was homecoming weekend. Homecoming is a big thing at the high school in my city. Granted the football team is horrible, but we still loved the pep-fest and dressing up. I was on cloud nine the day it came. Before the football game, I decided to go for a coffee run with my friends boyfriend. Him and I had our differences in the past, but he never did anything to truly hurt me. We picked up coffee and started driving around talking. He was acting in a weird manner that made me feel uncomfortable and kept telling me he felt sorry that I was wasting so much gas and to pull the car over. Eventually I did to shut him up and shortly after is when he attacked me and tried getting on top of me. I kept yelling NO and telling him to get off of me. Thoughts flashed through my mind about how I didn't know where I was exactly and that this was the moment I was going to be raped. I closed my eyes while my body shook and all of a sudden he just stopped... he stroked my leg... and then it was done. He didn't rape me, but I was terrified. How I found the strength to keep him from doing anything is beyond me. God was there that's for sure.
I guess you could say that after the experience I developed PTSD. I didn't know it then, but its the only thing that makes sense now. I had major mood swings with my family and cried constantly. I had flashbacks that were caused if someone brushed up against my shoulder (he pushed me against the car door and my shoulder hit it). I fell into a depression and tried to change schools, because I couldn't stand seeing him every day in the halls. My parents contacted the police, but since he didn't do anything sexually, nothing was done. I finally went to my counselor at high school and broke down. I told him my story and he sat there taking it all in. He said that he never usually recommend people running away from their problems, but felt that it was best for me to switch schools. My parents felt differently and so I stayed. They wanted to put me into counseling (something I desperately needed) but I refused to go because I was just too embarrassed. A part of me wanted them to send me anyways. I wanted them to make me, but they never did and so I never went.
I turned toward guys to help me through things that I was going through. I knew I didn't need a man to make me happy, but it was just nice to have one around. Somehow I found all the jerks. One guy choked me after he learned what happened (how does that even make sense??) and the other just wanted some, but obviously he didn't get any. I was and always have been a good girl. Funny thing, a month after the one guy choked me - he asked me to marry him. That was shot down in an instant.
I found myself in a eleventh month relationship at one point with a guy that at one point was in love with. Maybe it was the idea of him, because at about the sixth month of our "relationship" things fizzled away. Infact he had a major drinking problem and disgusted me. It was long distance though and I didn't know better so I just stayed in the "relationship". A month before he was going to take me on a trip to Lake Tahoe, I broke up with him. I simply couldn't take it anymore. Come to find out he was telling his exgirlfriend he loved her the whole time and cheated on me with some girl at his college. I sure do pick them good!
A couple months after things ended is when my relationship with the other Marine started. I had known him for a long time and had always wanted to be with him. He had helped me through a lot and so there was a deep emotional bond there for him. We became official one day and things couldn't seem to be going better. He asked me to marry him one day and that's when the doubts started to surface. I never fully said yes, because there was something in me that was telling me, "don't do it". I'd find out only a couple months after why..
Right before he was suppose to deploy, I found out that he was having an unofficial relationship with a girl that he knew. He ditched me many times while on his pre-deployment leave to be with her. Shortly after his leave time, he had his ex-girlfriend break up with me over a Facebook comment that was visible to everyone. He tried to cover things up, but it didn't take long for his lies to pile up on him and things to blow up in his face. He destroyed my heart. I know I should have never wasted tears on him, but while he was deployed, at night I would go outside and cry as hard as I could. I hated what he did to me and I hated the idea of knowing I still loved him. To this day, I still haven't forgave him, but it's easy to say I don't love him anymore. I will always care for him (unfortunately) but he will never ever deserve me.
I down spiraled after him and I broke up. Went out to parties a lot where I turned to guys to fill the need that I had to just have someone there. It never was sex (again, good girl here), but I still hated the idea of feeling like I wanted a guy to fill a void. I decided to end all things with guys in general. No dating. No relationships. No flings. Nothing. I needed to figure myself out and do me.
About six months into my "do me" stage, I started growing a liking to a boy that was helping me through things. He was currently in Iraq though and I was still worried about falling for another guy. I kept my guard up but decided to spend time with him while he was on R&R. Things went really well the first week. We considered ourselves dating and he wouldn't stop telling me how happy I made him and how glad he was that we started talking. Apparently he changed his mind rather quickly because his feelings towards me changed when he woke up one morning and realized he liked another girl. Awesome. At first I was livid. I cried and then the next day I realized it was OK. I would just continue my "do me" stage. The Iraq friend did tell me though that he was going to pray that the right guy would come my way and said I deserved all the best because I was a great girl...
Four days later, Mister entered my life :)
So that's my story. I know this post is long, but I needed to write it out. I needed to express the things that have happened so they'd be out there and so that I could move on from it all. I've bottled up so much and have learned that helps no one. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. It does mean a lot - more than you know. If you didn't, that's okay. I know it's long.
I guess what I've learned in life is that God is always there. Things happen that are unfortunate in life, but the only thing you can do is grow from the experience and use it as a lesson learned. I'm a stronger person because of my experiences. My life is truly beautiful - past and present.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thankfully I'm already done with one of my classes. The next two I'm not all that worried about either so finals this year so be a piece of cake! Yay for that, right?! My main thing is getting ready for my love. Nine days people! Nine more days and he'll be in my arms for the first time in a year. I can't wait. It's been soo long and all I'm wanting to do is hug and kiss him - among much more :)
My to do list is long, see for yourself:
1. Get a haircut (getting it done today though!)
2. Get nails done (getting this done on tuesday with another Marine gf!
3. Clean the house really good. He's a Marine - he knows where the dirt is and I don't want him finding it haha
4. Do the laundry. I have so much to do!
5. Finish my lounge area. I have a futon (that is actually comfy - yay for that!) and a desk down there. I still need two side tables, a tv, and tv stand. Oh, and a coffee table.
6. I need to finish Christmas shopping - about 5 more people to go!
7. Pay my tuition fees and get my books for next semester
8. Get new glasses and sunglasses
9. Go to my doctor appointment to see how my sinuses are healing up
I know there is more to do... I just can't think straight haha.
I have to get ready for the day though! I hope you all have a great one. :)
Friday, December 3, 2010
He is still planning on finishing up his contract so that we can start our life together. When we realized the confusion about school, he brought up the idea of re-enlisting. I know that’s not what he wants so I shot that down right away. It’s weird… if you would have asked me about six months ago if I would rather him re-enlist verses him getting out, I would have been all for him re-enlisting. Now however, I just want him home. I want him safe. It seems like war is popping up all over and it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s selfish, I know. But believe me, if he did want to re-enlist, I’d back him up. I’d be his biggest supporter and be glued to his side where ever that may be. It’s just not what he wants and I’m ok with that.
As far as schooling goes, I have decided to get my photography degree at a local technical college that has an accredited photography degree. The thought of transferring to a private university and collecting at least $60,000 in debt is just not happening. I refuse to do that. I can easily learn photography through workshops and by simply taking pictures. It’s all about practice and getting out there.
Thankfully, next to my technical school there is a nearby community college where Mister can take his generals. With him going there, his credits should transfer no problem – the school is pretty well known for its ability to transfer credits to most universities. Once his generals are done, I’m not sure what’s going to happen. We haven’t really talked about it yet, but I did express my feelings of not wanting to leave Minnesota – not forever at least. My family means everything to me. With my brother having moved out of state a couple of months ago and now their baby girl (me) possibly getting married next year; it just seems like a lot. No one told me that growing up would be scary. I know most people say, “You have to do things for you,” but my family is me. They’ve raised me and have taken care of me every step of the way. They’ve blessed me with more things than I could possibly imagine and have always supported my decisions. Besides God, they are my rock – the foundation that God gave me to help me grow into the person I am today. I don’t want to move out of state for good and be so far away from them. It’s simply just not happening.
So as far as school goes - that’s that.
As for the wedding, well I’m not sure what’s going on. Mister asked me my thoughts about it and I told him straight up, “I want to marry you.” He just hasn’t given me a clear direction of whether or not getting married this fall is still the plan and it’s not something I want to push on him. So I’m just waiting to see what happens. I suppose his leave during Christmas will be a good indicator. If he doesn’t propose then, then I doubt the fall wedding would be on. For now, I’ve stopped looking at wedding ideas online. Just don’t want to right now; simply doesn’t make sense.
Overall, my heart is a little settled. A lot has happened this week (other things not posted) and it’s mounted up to a lot. I’m drained – emotionally and financially. My experience with the Marine Corps and the Verizon cell phone guy has been unpleasant this week and I just want them both to be nice to me from now on. Ha… I’m jokester.
Until next time...
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Those two sentences were a bomb used in my heart. His thing is that we have gone over a year doing long distance and have over a year left of it. The thought of not having to be long distance when he is out of the service is what has been getting him through things. Not knowing where either of us will be and having to spend two years of our marriage apart isn't what either of us wants. I explained to him that he needs to look into schools now, I will start looking into schools and then we'll discuss it and make a decision that both of us are happy with that way we can hopefully get an apartment with each other once he's no longer active duty.
Before I wasn't sure what was going to happen with certain things in my life, but it's been a long time since I've had to wonder what's going to happen with Mister and I. Things were really starting to fall into place and now everything seems to back up in the air again. Until we figure out what schools we're going to, things will continue to be uncertain. One thing I know: I don't want to move out of state. Once I am finished with college, I will have made contacts with companies around here, not in Iowa or Montana. Contacts for me are going to be everything because I'm planning on being a freelancer. It's also important to me that he doesn't settle either and his response was that either way he will be. If he doesnt go to Iowa or Montana, he'll be settling. If he does go and we're long distance, he's settling. That makes me feel horrible. I hope that we both can come to an agreement. Right now he's just as worried and just as disheartend. We'll figure it out though - life is full of twists and turns - just have to learn to get through them.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
As far as Black Friday goes, I worked from 10PM to 7AM. Needless to say, I was beyond exhausted. Six hours after I got off, I went shopping with my mom to see what was left from the madness. I didn't get much, but overall I'm pretty happy! Here's what I've bought... SO FAR!
- Finish Mister's Parents and Grandparent's baskets
- Buy my best friends present
- Buy my brother and dad's present
- Get giftcard for Mister
Tonight I had a bad dream. I've been up for almost two hours now to try to get it out of my mind, but I just can't shake it. I called and texted Mister, but he didn't wake up to his phone going off so here I am... typing this post to try to keep myself busy. All I want is for him to tell me it's okay. That it was just a dream and to go back to sleep. That's all I need, but I can't have that and I hate it. Stupid.
Looks like I'll be falling asleep to the TV tonight. As long as I fall asleep and not dream, I'll be okay.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Today I need to:
- Finish my career portfolio which includes three essays (that I have not started) and two example projects (that I have not thought of... or started).
- Read my economics chapter and start my homework assignment as well as do my online quiz.
- Post an online discussion for my career class.
- Read three (not so) short stories for my literature class. Remind me to tell you how much of a joke that class is. Seriously, you'll be shocked.
- Sign up for classes for next semester
- Look up venues for the wedding!!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Mister has been having a not so good couple days either. Yesterday during PT he sprained his ankle pretty bad. Being the guy he is, he refuses to go to medical and ran on it this morning during PT. That boy! I've realized something though: while he's been there I've learned that all I want to do is take care of him. I've never felt like that before. What hurts him, hurts me. If he's in pain, I just want to take care of him. He's a big though, I know. Please keep him in your thoughts though and pray for fast healing. He is suppose to start predeployment training and if he misses any of it due to his ankle, he may get put on the list for combat engineer replacements. Not what we want!! Prayers would be wonderful!
As far as wedding planning goes: we haven't done much. It's kind of weird to be planning for a wedding when we're not even technically engaged, but it's happening - we're just waiting until he's home so he can pop the big question! :) We did decide on getting engagement pictures - thank you for responding to my previous post! That's all we've decided on so far. Plenty of time though. I'm definitely going to be showing pictures of things as planning really starts getting into gear - so be on the watch out. I'm completely clueless so I will definitely be asking you all questions as I go. I hope that is okay. Speaking of questions, I already have some!!
First off, when your getting married to someone in the military, I know that he needs to talk to his higher ups about it. Once he does that, what are the steps? Are we going to have to go to pre-marital classes and if so, how does that work since we're states apart?
Secondly (and lastly - for now!), what do you think is best: having a small intimate wedding pre-deployment and a big party (vow renewal) when he gets back home OR a medium sized wedding and call it done! BEFORE I was leading towards the small one and then a big renewal/party when he gets home, but I don't want certain people missing out on our wedding day. You do only get one after all. My biggest thing is that I don't want either of our parents to have a financial burden. I know it won't be a burden to them, but it would feel like one to me and right now, Mister and I don't have much money. None really.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
What You Need:
1 3/4 cups flour
1/4 cup sugar
2 1/2 Tsp. baking powder
1/2 Tsp. salt
5 Tbsp. chilled, unsalted butter, cut into pieces
6 Tbsp. half & half
1 large egg, beaten
1/2 cup dried cranberries (craisins)
1/2 cup whit chocolate chips
1. Pre-heat oven 400 degrees. Spray baking sheet with vegetable oil.
2. Blend flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and butter using a pastry blender.
3. In a seperate bowl combine cream and beaten egg.
4. Pour into dry ingredients mixture. Stir in cranberries and white chocolate chips.
5. Turn onto lightly floured surface. Knead for 2 minutes. Pat into a 1/2" round circle of dough. (May make 2 rounds and cut each into 8 wedges making 16 smaller wedges.)
6. Cut into 8 pie-shaped wedges.
7. Transfer wedges to a baking sheet. Keep the circle together during baking.
8. Bake 14 minutes until golden brown.
9. Brush scones with: (when done baking):
2 Tbsp. sugar
1/4 Tsp. cinnamon
1 Tbsp. milk
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
- As you know, on the 6th Mister arrived to Camp Pendleton! I talked with him about what I found on Facebook and he cleared things up for me. He told his grandpa bits and pieces of details and his grandpa just decided to post it all as something that was happening for sure when really, it was just what Mister thought COULD happen. So that was cleared up thankfully and he reassured me that when he knew anything he'd tell me. That leads me to my next point...
- SO FAR, Mister in NOT deploying to Afghanistan! This is great news if you ask me! I feel really blessed. He found out that in September or October he will be deploying on a 7 month MEU that is NON-COMBAT. Hello? Can things get much better?! Obviously there is a chance that he could become a combat engineer replacement and head to Afghanistan, but he's been told that they already have a bunch of people lined up for that and that they need him for the MEU. :) I'll take seven months on a ship, than seven months in a war zone. This leads me to the most exciting point of all!!!...
- Mister and I are getting married this coming July/August!! We talked about it and he told me he didn't want to wait any longer. I know he's it for me; there is no question in my mind. For the first time in my life, I feel like I don't have that gut feeling telling me not to do something. God put us in each others lives for a reason and I believe that reason is to with each other forever. I love him SO much - even if he is a pain once in a great while ;)
- Mister also has his date for leave. He's going to be home for Christmas, but not Thanksgiving. That adds a couple weeks to my countdown date, but that is A-Okay with me! I just want to be back in his arms.
- I have my surgery tomorrow at 10am. I am so nervous!! Prayers would be more than wonderful!
The other thing I'm worried about is our families meeting. They haven't done that yet so that is a pretty frightening thing! My mom did meet Mister's mom and they loved each other so I'm not worried about that. Everyone else just needs to meet and I hope to God it goes well. Once we're married, they probably wouldn't even see each other much so I guess it's whatever lol. Our families love us so that's all that matters :)
Well I am off to go to bed so that I'm well rested for my surgery!
***A special thanks to all the veterans! My thoughts and prayers have been with you all today. Thank you for fighting for my rights to live free as an American. No words could ever compare to how much graditude and appreciation I have for you. God Bless you!!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A military group on Facebook that I'm a member of shared this video. I watched it, bawled my eyes out and knew that I had to post it on here for you all to see. I know many of you are dealing with a deployment - know that a homecoming is coming for you and to keep pushing forward. I pray for all of your loved ones and I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.
Caution: you will cry!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
With everything that's happened, sometimes I wonder if the hardest times are yet to come. Being a couple hour plane trip away from each other, but knowing I'm sleeping alone. Seeing him off to Afghanistan and praying with all my heart that he's going to come home to me. Once engaged, knowing I can't spend quality time with my fiance. Once married, knowing every one is going to question our reason. It's simple: he's the one.
With every trial, the only result is strength. Strength to love one another more. Strength to grow closer. Strength to keep pushing on. Strength to know that nothing can tear us apart. Not distance. Not war. Not even these lonely nights. I'm forever his.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
To get a super cheap flight:
airfarewatchdog.com - offers great deals as well as tips on how to get even cheaper flights.
us.lastminute.com - offers discounts up to 70% off on last-minute flights
farecast.com - this site helps you forecast when you'd get the best deal on a flight.
hotwire.com - during a price test done by pcmag.com, Hotwire has the best "next-weekend" deals.
kayak.com - this site contains all of the major airline and discounted flight sites to help you find the best price without having to check a lot of sites.
seatguru.com - perfect for airlines in which you have to pick your seat online. This site shows you the plane you'd be on and where the location of the seats are - that way you can find the seat that's best for you!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I ended up dropping my accounting class last week. I hate that I dropped, especially since I had a high C, but to keep my sanity I had to. That's three W's on my transcript. Awesome. The tipping point for me was getting a migraine from being so stressed out. My dad called a nurse and she told him to take me to the hospital, but once the medicine started kicking in and taking a few minutes to breathe into a good ol' brown bag, I was fine. I would not have a problem if I didn't have to experience another one of those!
I do have one big weight off my shoulder: I have come to the decision that I am going to major in Fine Arts and be a photographer! My ultimate goal: get my bachelors degree, open my own business and run my own website! I plan to have a website that has a blog on it which makes me really excited. It's cool to know that I will be able to make this apart of my life.
As for what's to come in the next week:
-awesome websites/tips for getting great travel deals.
-some yummy HEALTHY recipes (they're amazing!!!!)
-and as always, more of my life as I know it + updates.
Stay tuned :)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I've started getting ready for Mister to come home. It's a little less than 30 days (eeek!) so I figured I should probably start. My lounge area still needs to be redecorated (not a huge priority), my room still needs to be finished, I have to figure out his birthday gift (any suggestions??) and I need to buy a bunch of other misc. things. Luckily most of the things I need to do can be done now - makes things less hectic later on.
Yesterday my parents and I got back from Oklahoma. We went for a few days to visit my brother. While we were gone our dog got very sick. We brought her to the vet today and found out she has Pancreatitis. We have to wait to see how she reacts to the shots, but I'm hoping that she'll be okay. They told us it is fatal so I'm praying that she's going to push through.
I know this shot, but I have somethings I need to do before work. I will write again shortly.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
There I am.. in my robe with no make up on and fresh out of the shower so my hair is a mess getting on Skype (sexy eh?). I get on and Mister starts to explain to me how this girl (a friend of the girl that added me who I haven't met, but I've heard of) told Mister that she was newly single, realized how she wants to be with him, and that he should break up with me so that they could be together. Excuse me????!!! To add to the wonderfulness of that - her status is about how they are meant to be together and why wait because its going to happen anyways. I could kick that girls ass! Thankfully, Mister has been ignorning her texts and stopped talking to her. I trust him completely and know he wouldn't do anything, I just hate how people think its okay to do something like that when someone is CLEARLY in a relationship. I mean HELLO GIRL when the quote under his picture says, "I cant help but to think that i am the luckiest guy alive... I have finally found the girl that every time i see her i become speechless... every time i think about her i can't help but smile. She is my everything my Angel. I love you (insert my name here)" you'd think she'd get the hint that we're serious.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I've been trying really hard to NOT countdown days until Mister is home. I know most people say the opposite, but I've found that by not looking at the countdown constantly, time goes by faster. I love looking at it and seeing a much smaller number until he's home. Its beyond exciting!
I'm planning on visiting my Marine at Pendleton a couple months after he arrives there. I'm thinking January since I won't be in school. If anyone wants to get together, let me know!! :)
Off to study for my mid exams... I need a B on my accounting test in order to stay in the class. Talk about stressful! I'll write again soon!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The butterflies in my tummy are starting to kick in, but until he's actually home I'm trying really hard not get my hopes up as to when I'll see him. With the military, you just never know what's going to happen. Things change all the time. So for now, I'm waiting anxiously.
It's nice to know that we're one step closer to him being home :)
Friday, October 8, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Things have been crazy in my life lately. School has me more overwhelmed than ever before and work has me constantly occupied since they are now giving more hours and responsibilities. My grades right now are alright. To be honest, I have no idea how they're being maintained, because I feel like I'm not doing very well at all on my things. I keep seeing the percentage 60 come up on quizzes. Thank goodness for my homework assignments otherwise I'd be dropping two classes right now. Wouldn't look good.
Things with the boy are alright. I dont know, maybe its because I'm a girl and I need some kind of attention, but things just have been a little hard on me. The days until he's home are getting smaller and we're both getting to the point where we're just tired of being away from each other. It's been over ten months now and knowing its just a couple more is itching away at us. Lord, give us strength!
I know I need a break from
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Last night, Mister and I somehow brought up the conversation of what he's doing when he gets out. To my surprise, he does have a back up plan. This makes me so happy. I don't know why I've been so worried to bring it up. I guess I was worried by expressing my fears, that he would be worried to chase his dreams. I want him to chase them. I want to be apart of them. I just wanted to know that he had a back up planincase his first dream didn't work out - and he does!
I was also surprised to know that Mister actually does like the Marines. He's never said that before. Infact, he likes being a Marine a lot. What he has troubles with is knowing he has to follow orders from someone, when he can come up with a solution in his head that would be much less time consuming and would end in a better job-well-done. One of my fears was the thought of him going to Afghanistan doing something he absolutely hates and something happening to him. I'm not sure how I would cope with that. We all hear stories of families who say that they are so proud of their loved one because they know at least they loved what they did. At least now I know that I would be able to say that - God forbid something ever happened. Ugh, can't even think about that.
In more news, Mister and I talked about having a little bundle of joy. I wanted to know when he thought he'd like to have a baby. I know how important it is for Mister to become a daddy one day. They day our little boy or girl is born will be the best day of his life. I know it may sound early to think about having kids, but we're getting married in the next couple years so I think its important.
He said if we had a baby now, he'd be more than happy. This kind of took me by surprise. A baby now? Say what?! Then I realized what he was talking about. We're not going to plan to have a baby until we're married, but if it happened right now, its not something either of us would be upset about. My Marine has made me realize how amazing it is to build a family together. Before, having kids was something that I never thought I'd want. Now, its one of the things I look forward to the most. I can't wait to see Mister be a father. He is seriously going to be the most amazing daddy!!
One thing he doesn't want, is to be deployed and miss out on everything. We were talking about this when he sent me this:
"If I'm deploying, I wouldn't want to have one on the way. I don't want to miss any of it. And if I was gone when you had the baby, I would hate myself. I want to be the first one to hold my baby."I don't think anyone plans on carrying a baby while their loved one is away. It's definitely not something o my "wish list", but would be one proud Marine momma to be!
I can't say it enough: gosh, he's going to be an amazing father!! :)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I found out that I need surgery in the next couple of weeks. My sinus problem is a lot worse then we thought and the doctor wants to shrink the pollup that has completely plugged a channel in my upper sinus cavity. The pollup is not allowing my sinuses to drain properly and he's worried about the pressure it could be producing. Eventually if it gets bad enough, it could be causing pressure on my brain. Not okay.
One of the ways they were thinking of operating was to cut from the very top of my head and down both sides so that they could basically flap where the skin of my forehead is down to my mouth so that they can have a more safe approach to removing the pollup. Is that not the craziest thing you've ever heard!?!? THANKFULLY, we're not going that route. Not yet at least. Like I said, they are going to try to shrink it first and are hoping that by doing that, I'll be able to drain. So they're going to take a cord and run it through my nose and then place a stint that will release steroids by my pollup and *fingers crossed* shrink it. They said its serious, because they'll be working near by brain, but that if I don't do it now - my problems are just going to get worse.
I'm still stuck on the part where they can flap your whole face over. Freakin crazy!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Two weeks ago I told you how Mister and I spent the two years while we had lost touch. Its an important part to the following story, so make sure you read up on it quick - it won't take long :)
This week, it's all about how we started talking again...
One day I was bored and browsing Facebook *
"August 23, 2009 at 7:19pmIt wasn't long after that he responded with:
hey how are you? im not all sure if you remember me, but we use to talk a little bit on here a while back. I just saw your pic come up on my fb and thought i'd see how you've been..."
"August 23, 2009 at 9:49pmIt was the beginning of a conversation that led to more than I could have ever imagined. We began writing to each other constantly and it didn't take long for him to get my number. While texting, he said something to me that made me realize that he was someone special. Someone that I needed in my life and who was different than the rest. Without knowing my faith background he told me this:
hey of course i remember!! ive been pretty good... just living the military life. how have you been"
"You should know that God is my everything. He's my life. I've drifted away from God a little bit while being stationed here in Japan, but am working on His and my relationship."I can still remember reading that text. I was at work and my eyes had filled up with tears. I felt warmth inside and knew something great was about to happen. I thought back to the moment when the guy I dated before Mister had told had told me that he was going to be praying that I'd meet the right guy. I didn't realize it would take him only a few days, but I'm so happy that God answered his prayers :)
You'll have to wait for next week to learn more about our story!
Now it's time for Something Beautiful - Moments!
I just learned earlier tonight that my brother was finally offered a fulltime job!!! I'm so happy for him! He has been working part time since he's moved to Oklahoma and desperately is needing more of an income. The only problem is he isn't sure that he'll be taking it. He has very bad back problems and the job does include some heavy lifting. PLEASE KEEP HIM IN YOUR PRAYERS FOR GUIDANCE ON WHAT TO DO!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
So being the planner I am, I calculated it...
I have about 19 paychecks until I'd leave... that's +/- $2850. I also have 8 car payments totaling $824, plus I need to buy a bridesmaid gown which I'm expecting to be (at the most) $250. I usually spend $30 on gas every other week (another $285). I'll give myself a $200 leeway which would bring me to a total of $1291. Thankfully, I already have $375 in the bank so that helps and when I was calculating my paycheck I used the lowest amount of hours that I could ever get.
Friday, September 17, 2010
You know when you wake up in the morning smiling at life. Well, I can't say that was me. I woke up instead to a message on Facebook that made me a little irritated. But that's okay. Not going to let it ruin my day.
Mister and I didn't have the greatest morning talk. Infact it was a complete downer. Not to mention that he doesnt have a phone because his broke. But that's okay. We're making the best of it and writing facebook messages to each other when we have the chance.
|You're worth the wait babe.|
|I seriously LOVE this!|
I sat down about an hour ago to work on my accounting. After reading my chapter again and really concentrating on the example problems, I'm starting to understand it more. I still have a lot of work to do though. But that's okay. It's a start!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
1. Almost a year ago, one of my good friends lost his mom. It's her birthday today and he's having a hard time. He was going to stop over at my work to say hi today, but just wanted some time to himself and reflect. Completely understandable. At times I just don't know what to say to make him feel better. I'm not sure there is anything really to say. So I simply told him that I was all ears. I may not be able to relate, but I'm a good listener. Any advice/thoughts?
2. I hate my phone sometimes. I was at work and Mister received a text from me that I had sent to him yesterday. Of course, it was one of those messages where we were talking about "fun time" and so when he received it today out of know where he was really confused. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what the heck he was talking about and then explaining the text to him, things were back to being ok. Just annoying.
3. My favorite girls and I went down town last night. It was a really good time! We all got together for my birthday to do a little celebrating. The night included shopping and dinner - can't go wrong there! Long story short, the night was a great success.
4. My manager brought up somthing today that made me do some thinking. She asked if I still talk to my ex-fiance. I told her no. I actually stopped talking to him when Mister and I were a couple months into our relationship. I needed to give Mister a full chance and having my ex talk to me was just something that wouldn't give him that full chance. So, I cut the cord. What got me thinking was how emotionally abusive he was to me. I knew he had a control over me, but I guess I never really opened my eyes to it all and really took it for what it was. When a man is being friendly one moment and then out of no where freaks out, swears, and hangs up on you - obviously there is something wrong with him. Why is it that its so easy to be blind when your in the situation and then things become clearer later on? I should have listened to my friends when they said to cut him out of my life sooner. I should have listened to them when they said he was being controlling. I should have listened to them when they said what he was doing was wrong. Note to all women out there: we all want to be that girl that changes that one guy, but know, you can't change a man!!!
5. I started the Ortho Patch today. I figured it might be a better option for me since I'm horrible about remembering to take a single pill everyday at the same time. I had no idea where to put it so its smack middle on one of my butt cheeks. We'll see if I like it and if it will even stay on. I've been paranoid all day and already have filled my coworkers in on the fact that if I am touching my butt cheek a lot to not worry about me. They think I'm an odd one as it is so they just laughed it off. I'm glad they are able to do so :)
6. There is a radio show that does Military Night every wednesday. I drive home from class on wednesday nights so I get to tune in every time. I love it!! I am usually in tears on my way home, but thats ok. It melts my heart hearing peoples shout-outs to their loved ones over seas and to hear a safe troop from overseas telling their family members how much they love them. I wish every radio station did this. I don't understand why more don't. Click here on Wednesday nights at 7pm central time to tune in :) Once your at the website, click on Listen Now!!
Exhaustion is setting in. Long day at work, even a longer day tomorrow. Good night bloggy land and sorry my life hasn't been very interesting lately. I will work on that!
Hey baby girl! Im about to head to bed i just wanted to send you a quick message. i love you so much! you are my everything!!! your my best friend i know that i can come to you with anything and even if you dont like it you will still support me! i can honestly say i could never see myself without you! we are going to grow old together and spend the rest of our lives together!! I cant wait for the day that i can come back and hold you again. to see you come running to me when you pick me up at the air port. picking you up and kissing you!well i better head to sleep i got an early day tomorrow! I hope you are dreaming of me so that i can see you in dreams i love you and i miss you more than words can explain good night pooky...
Friday, September 10, 2010
I spent the first half of my day going to class and doing homework (it had to get done - even if it meant doing it on my bday!) and the other half with my family eating yummy food and watching the game. I was super bummed that the Vikings lost. I was hoping that they would win, but it just wasn't their day. Boo!
Thankfully I was able to talk to Mister last night before I went to bed. He got off work an hour later than he thought he was going to, but that hour was worth waiting for :) We weren't able to talk long though because he went to see his unit off. They shipped off to a place I'm not able to talk about. It was sad for my Marine to see them leave with out him - more so because he wasn't sure if he'd see his buddies again. More than likely they won't be back by the time he leaves for the States. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they stay on schedule so that he'll be able to see them again. I know it would mean a lot to Mister.
For more happy news, Mister gets the weekend off! He wasn't suppose to but they gave it to him. This made me a very happy girl. Looking forward to Skyping with my man again tonight. Two days in a week and there back to back - I feel like a very spoiled girl :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
My Marine is no longer part of his unit in Japan since he's leaving soon (yippee!!) and now instead he just does chow duty... ALL DAY LONG! He does it three hours in the morning... then sits there in the chow hall after he's done... does three hours during lunch time... again sits there in the chow hall after he's done... and another three hours during the evening... where he again sits in the chow hall until pretty much everyone is off work. Seems like a boring way to spend your day right? It just confuses me, doesn't the Marines have something more... useful for him to do? Apparently not. To add sprinkles to the cake, they only have let him leave the chow hall twice now (in the last two weeks) which means I probably wont see Mister for my birthday. They are also making him work every other weekend, which means bye bye Skype time. Again, thanks Marines! Apparently, they still haven't received the word that the weekends are the only time we get to Skype. I really cannot complain though. My man is not in a war zone. I have access to talk to him through texting when he's not busy. I get to see him in less than 75 days. So again, I can't complain.
Work and school are still filling up most of my days. Yesterday was the first slow day at work and for the first time since I can remember, I was actually thankful for it. I was making myself sick for the lack of sleep - literally - running nose, fever, and upset tummy that made me looking for all exit stratgies, just incase my dinner decided to make an unwelcome appearance in a trash can. Too much info? I'm sorry.
I may or may not have got a new employee in trouble. My dream last night said I did, but I guess I'll wait to see when I go into work next. He had the NERVE to ask if I would ever cheat on Mister. Are you kidding me?! He straight up was like, "You have a boyfriend right?" Yeah.... "Would you ever cheat on him?" WHAT!? I took it as him just questioning my character, but the managers are taking it as him basically wanting to know if I would cheat on Mister with him. Either way, it pissed me off. Obviously I told him I would never ever do that, Mister is all that I need in a man. He is the best thing to come into my life. Besides, after you've been hurt by cheating and what not - you realize that you would never want someone to go through what you have. It just makes me mad that he would think that's even an OK question to ask me. A. Your new to my work, don't act like you know me. B. That's rude. C. I'm much higher up than you and what you asked doesn't look good on your part - especially when managers are already questioning your ability.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
If you are new to my blog, check out how my previous story ... it will help you with this weeks!
So as you may remember, I ended last weeks story letting you all know how Mister and I were introduced... and how we stopped talking. For the two and a half years that we lost touch, I dated a lot, experienced a lot of heart break, and learned a ton about what I liked and disliked in a man.
One of the guys I fell in love with ended up proposing to me. It lasted a few months and then he fell out of love with me and in love with another women. It broke my heart in about a million peices. I went through a time in my life where I wasn't me. I did a lot of stupid things and looked to other guys to help fix the missing parts in my heart.
One day I confinded in a friend who was currently over in Iraq. We grow really close to each other since he was experiencing a similar situation and we ended up helping each other out. He seemed to be like someone special and our friendship turned into something more. During his R&R leave from Iraq, we spent every waking moment together. A few days before he left back to Iraq, he changed his mind and realized he was still crazy about a girl that just became single. Needless to say, whatever we were was over. He told me I was a great girl and that he prayed that I would find a great guy. I was appreciative for his prayers and realized that him and I really weren't right for each other.
Meanwhile... during all this time of me living life, Mister was having hard times with girls... it seemed like every girl he fell for, they would change their mind and break his heart. He was looking for a good girl but came to the conclusion that since he was overseas and based in Japan that he probably wasn't going to find a girl until he was either out of the service or back in the states.
With a simple post on Facebook, both of our lives changed.... stay tuned for next week to see what it was!
It's now time for Something Beautiful:
This past week has been crazy to say the least. School has been my main focus, but its been hard trying to balance everything since work is giving me more hours than ever before. Yesterday alone, my work did almost $36,000. It was busy to say the least. I can't complain though. I'm lucky to be able to go to school and recieve an education and in the economy that we are in at the moment, I'm lucky to have a job at all.
Just a couple of weeks ago, my neighbors, who I've known for as along as I can remember, lost their home. Bills were becoming too much and the man of the house lost his job due to a back injury. It's sad to think how one moment you have everything and the next moment, everything you know is stripped away. I can't say it's been easy for my family either. We've had to cut down on a lot of things, my dad is working more hours than ever, and I've been helping out more expenses.
Beautiful Moment of the Week: Being able to help my family in hard times, receiving an education, and having a job that continues to give me hours.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I was wondering if anyone has ever (or are currently) sponsoring or have adopted a troop that's overseas? A long time ago I had posted an organization that lets you adopt at hero, but never got around to doing it. So like me... ugh. This time around though, I'm actually doing it! I'm excited and figure it's my way of helping someone's deployment go hopefully a little bit better.
The truth is... I've been thinking about doing this ever since my friend (who I look to as a brother) was sent overseas a few years ago. He doesn't have much for family and I know that never once did they send him a letter or package. I don't believe many of his other friends sent him much either besides my family and I. It makes me think about how many men and women are overseas that get nothing. How incredibly sad is that... for someone to go to a war zone and not be sent any "I miss you's" or "I love you's." Obviously I'm not going to be saying those things to my sponsored troop, but I think by writing them a letter and sending them little things will show that someone is thinking of them. Someone cares. Someone wants them to come home safe. I would personally want someone to write me, even if it meant that someone was a complete stranger. With how things are in Afghanistan and the rise in deaths (Lord keep our men safe!) I think it's important that we support our troops more than ever and are doing what we can to help their morale.
On August 23rd it was officially Mister and I’s one year together. I never imagined on day one all that we would go through, but here we are: still together, still going strong, and still so in love. Who knew that a simple picture posted on Facebook would lead to a year of laughs, love, and dedication to one another.
When my Marine and I first started dating I had no idea that we’d be going this long without seeing each other. We’ve been in this relationship for one year, but have only spent 17 days actually together. The distance has tested our hearts on many occasions, but is also the reason him and I have an undeniable bond. I swear, we know each other better than we know ourselves.
He is my best friend and accepts me for who I am, my rock for when I need help to get through something, and my love for the comfort he brings me even thousands of miles away. I’m excited to know that soon everything we have planned together will soon become a reality.
I love you Babers and I can’t wait to be back in your arms again soon! Happy one year!