Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Not Wanting To Sleep

I miss him... I dont feel good and it's well past the time that I should've been in bed by and yet I find myself not wanting to sleep. I know sleep usually makes the time go by fast, but I'm trying to avoid the moment where I lay in bed and think about how he isn't here anymore. A part of me feels numb, like it hasn't completely hit me yet. However, I think it's starting to slowly sink in. Mister called me a little bit ago to tell me he had arrived at the Tokyo airport. I was so excited to finally hear from him. I needed to hear his voice. We both agreed after a few minuets of talking on the phone that we should text so he could save money (its expensive for us to talk on the phone) and then he would call me right before I went to bed. While saying goodbye so we could text, I found myself choking up inside and wanting to cry. I kept it together though and stayed strong. I need to be strong for him.
A part of me wonders how I should balance being strong for him and the wanting to cry. I don't want him feeling like I don't miss him. Of course I miss him. I missed him the moment my arms came undone from him neck and my feet turned the opposite direction and walked away. I want him to know I miss him without him feeling horrible about it. I need him to be okay and I know that leaving home and going back was probably one of the hardest things he's ever had to do. I just feel so bad and miss him like crazy. Got to be strong for him... but not too strong that he thinks this is a piece of cake for me, but not strong enough that it creates drama and he feels horrible. Ugh!


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