I can't fall asleep so I thought I would write a post and see where this takes me tonight...
I can't seem to get out of this blah mood I'm in. I can't find anything to blog about (writers block?) and although I know there are things I COULD write about, I simply don't want to completely bore you all with it. I don't need a pitty party or make it seem like all I want to do is go on about anxiety problems, emotional problems, problems, problems, and problems. Don't get me wrong, there are many exciting things going on in my life. Mister is coming home soon as I've mentioned in my previous posts and Christmas is obviously just around the corner. I should be happy (and I am) but I'm just not HAPPY.
Maybe my problem is that I think too much. Often I feel like I need to have a certain topic in mind and if it's not an "entertaining" topic then I don't write about it. That's not the reason why I started this blog though (funny how it seems that statement pops up every now and then) and I don't want my blog to become like that.
The day that my blog started, I remember just wanting to have a way to journal that didn't hurt my hands by having to write with a pencil. I wanted to organize my thoughts, evalutate my problems, and to document things that were happening in my life. I started this blog to help myself - whatever that means. I didn't think anyone would be interested in my life and what was happening and what I was going through (both past and present) and so I just wrote. I simply didn't care. As followers came, I started caring. I don't post nearly as much about my past, because who wants to read someone hurting from things over and over and over again? But what if writing it all out is all that helps me? What if it's my therapy and I need it?
I guess I see where this post is going..
Let me clarify somethings before I end all the hurt from my past once and for all...
I don't regret my past - not one bit. Everything that has happened has made me a stronger person. I don't feel pity for myself and nor should you. There are many people who have gone through so much more in life. To me, I've been through little compared to most of you.
I don't remember much of my childhood. Most favorite memories of my childhood are based off pictures I've seen or stories I've heard. I do remember my parents fighting a lot however and dealing with the yelling through writing music. I have MANY notebooks filled with lyrics - all of which are no good. Infact, they often make me laugh. I wish I was better.
My school years up until middle school were always good. I often had anxiety about if I had any friends during lunch time, but to my parents this seemed like a normal thing. Until the past year, I think they now realize that, that is when my anxiety began and it's only become worse. I had many friends though and I guess you could say I was apart of the "popular" crowd. I remember going around with my friends and asking all the boys who'd they rather date out of all of us girls. All of them choose me but one. What a hottie, eh?
Middle school is where things got bad. During sixth grade I had problems with another classmate and became a victim of cyberbullying. I will never forget the day when my parents came across an aol instant message from a girl saying, "I'll kill you." The girl ended up getting a lawyer because she thought my parents we're going to press chargers. They never did and things only got worse from there.
Seventh grade was hell. One of my "best friends" had started a rumor that I had told my mom everything that she's done with guys (the list was long) and that my mom told her mom. Not true, but since she was apparently more "popular" everyone turned on me. I couldn't walk down the halls without being called a bitch or slut. I fell into a major depression that I hid from my parents. To this day, they don't know the extent of saddness I felt. Suicidal thoughts filled my mind all the way to the point where I knew how I'd take my life, if I felt I had to. I simply couldn't though. Knowing how hard it would be on my mom kept me alive.
This is when God entered my life and hasn't left since. I turned to Him and prayed every morning before school that things would be better that day. Normally it wasn't, but I knew God was there and that somehow I'd get through things. After a year, things did start getting better. They weren't perfect by any means, but they were better.
Starting high school was a major turning point for me. I didn't have many friends, but I wasn't being called a slut or bitch everyday either. I was content. I started to become really close with my neighbor who I had known all my life. Him and I always talked on the bus ride to school and would hang out at the same spots during passing time. Suddenly he started changing though (not for the bad, just different) and I started pushing him away. I was scared that he liked me and I didn't know how to deal with it. A couple months later while during passing, I found out he hung himself. The night I visited him with my brother and dad in the hospital was one of the hardest days of my life. The images will forever be engraved in my mind as I watched him lay in a bed hooked up to a breathing machine having seizures every few minutes. The thing I remember the most: the mark on his neck from the rope burn. I could burst into tears just thinking about it... After being on life support for 9 days, he died on Thanksgiving day.
I cried for two years almost everyday. Hating myself for pushing him away. Hating myself for having the same thoughts as him only a couple years earlier. Everyone at school made horrifying remarks about his death. Many laughed about it. I hate them for that. One day I woke up though and realized that I wasn't at fault. His death still hurts to this day and always will.
A year after my friend died and I was officially a sophomore in high school. This is when I had my first boyfriend. He was a nice guy. Last a couple months like most high school relationships do and then it was done. A month after we broke up and it was homecoming weekend. Homecoming is a big thing at the high school in my city. Granted the football team is horrible, but we still loved the pep-fest and dressing up. I was on cloud nine the day it came. Before the football game, I decided to go for a coffee run with my friends boyfriend. Him and I had our differences in the past, but he never did anything to truly hurt me. We picked up coffee and started driving around talking. He was acting in a weird manner that made me feel uncomfortable and kept telling me he felt sorry that I was wasting so much gas and to pull the car over. Eventually I did to shut him up and shortly after is when he attacked me and tried getting on top of me. I kept yelling NO and telling him to get off of me. Thoughts flashed through my mind about how I didn't know where I was exactly and that this was the moment I was going to be raped. I closed my eyes while my body shook and all of a sudden he just stopped... he stroked my leg... and then it was done. He didn't rape me, but I was terrified. How I found the strength to keep him from doing anything is beyond me. God was there that's for sure.
I guess you could say that after the experience I developed PTSD. I didn't know it then, but its the only thing that makes sense now. I had major mood swings with my family and cried constantly. I had flashbacks that were caused if someone brushed up against my shoulder (he pushed me against the car door and my shoulder hit it). I fell into a depression and tried to change schools, because I couldn't stand seeing him every day in the halls. My parents contacted the police, but since he didn't do anything sexually, nothing was done. I finally went to my counselor at high school and broke down. I told him my story and he sat there taking it all in. He said that he never usually recommend people running away from their problems, but felt that it was best for me to switch schools. My parents felt differently and so I stayed. They wanted to put me into counseling (something I desperately needed) but I refused to go because I was just too embarrassed. A part of me wanted them to send me anyways. I wanted them to make me, but they never did and so I never went.
I turned toward guys to help me through things that I was going through. I knew I didn't need a man to make me happy, but it was just nice to have one around. Somehow I found all the jerks. One guy choked me after he learned what happened (how does that even make sense??) and the other just wanted some, but obviously he didn't get any. I was and always have been a good girl. Funny thing, a month after the one guy choked me - he asked me to marry him. That was shot down in an instant.
I found myself in a eleventh month relationship at one point with a guy that at one point was in love with. Maybe it was the idea of him, because at about the sixth month of our "relationship" things fizzled away. Infact he had a major drinking problem and disgusted me. It was long distance though and I didn't know better so I just stayed in the "relationship". A month before he was going to take me on a trip to Lake Tahoe, I broke up with him. I simply couldn't take it anymore. Come to find out he was telling his exgirlfriend he loved her the whole time and cheated on me with some girl at his college. I sure do pick them good!
A couple months after things ended is when my relationship with the other Marine started. I had known him for a long time and had always wanted to be with him. He had helped me through a lot and so there was a deep emotional bond there for him. We became official one day and things couldn't seem to be going better. He asked me to marry him one day and that's when the doubts started to surface. I never fully said yes, because there was something in me that was telling me, "don't do it". I'd find out only a couple months after why..
Right before he was suppose to deploy, I found out that he was having an unofficial relationship with a girl that he knew. He ditched me many times while on his pre-deployment leave to be with her. Shortly after his leave time, he had his ex-girlfriend break up with me over a Facebook comment that was visible to everyone. He tried to cover things up, but it didn't take long for his lies to pile up on him and things to blow up in his face. He destroyed my heart. I know I should have never wasted tears on him, but while he was deployed, at night I would go outside and cry as hard as I could. I hated what he did to me and I hated the idea of knowing I still loved him. To this day, I still haven't forgave him, but it's easy to say I don't love him anymore. I will always care for him (unfortunately) but he will never ever deserve me.
I down spiraled after him and I broke up. Went out to parties a lot where I turned to guys to fill the need that I had to just have someone there. It never was sex (again, good girl here), but I still hated the idea of feeling like I wanted a guy to fill a void. I decided to end all things with guys in general. No dating. No relationships. No flings. Nothing. I needed to figure myself out and do me.
About six months into my "do me" stage, I started growing a liking to a boy that was helping me through things. He was currently in Iraq though and I was still worried about falling for another guy. I kept my guard up but decided to spend time with him while he was on R&R. Things went really well the first week. We considered ourselves dating and he wouldn't stop telling me how happy I made him and how glad he was that we started talking. Apparently he changed his mind rather quickly because his feelings towards me changed when he woke up one morning and realized he liked another girl. Awesome. At first I was livid. I cried and then the next day I realized it was OK. I would just continue my "do me" stage. The Iraq friend did tell me though that he was going to pray that the right guy would come my way and said I deserved all the best because I was a great girl...
Four days later, Mister entered my life :)
So that's my story. I know this post is long, but I needed to write it out. I needed to express the things that have happened so they'd be out there and so that I could move on from it all. I've bottled up so much and have learned that helps no one. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. It does mean a lot - more than you know. If you didn't, that's okay. I know it's long.
I guess what I've learned in life is that God is always there. Things happen that are unfortunate in life, but the only thing you can do is grow from the experience and use it as a lesson learned. I'm a stronger person because of my experiences. My life is truly beautiful - past and present.
6 days ago