Monday, June 20, 2011

Pregnant

I'm not technically pregnant, did you think I was? That would be quite difficult with me here and Mister somewhere else. I have been having quite a few dreams lately though of me being pregnant. I couldn't quite understand why I was having these dreams so I went to Facebook to ask my friends first, and then I went to Google to check accuracy.

According to Dream Moods...

"To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities."

This nailed it. To a T {or is it tee? - who knows}. There has been so much going on in my life recently that I haven't been posting about. I've tried. About a million times. Problem is, I get a paragraph into the post and then nothing else seems to want to come out. Words just aren't there and nothing seems to really be appropriate for me to write or hold the topic to the standard it should be placed.

Where to begin...

1. My grandpa is entering hospice care early next week. It's hard knowing that one day we're going to get a call that he's passed. The only thing that really comforts me during this time is knowing that soon he'll be able to do things we all take forgranted: breathing, walking, and running. My pa has lived with emphasima for as long as I can remember. He was born with a missing gene that affects the lining of his longs. I can't honestly tell you the last time I saw him without an oxygen tank or without gasping for air from only a few steps. It breaks my heart, but I know that soon he'll be in Heaven rejoicing with his family.

2. My dad had surgery yesterday. He ripped the ligament in his elbow right off the bone and it recoiled up to his shoulder. That his horrble imagery I probably just put in all of your minds. Sorry! His surgery went well though and now he is trying to recover. He might be out of work for four months, which I'm hoping is not the case. Financially, my family just can't do that. I truly do believe that his injury was for a reason. He was suppose to attend a mission trip to Jamaca in a couple of weeks to a very bad location. God is looking out for him and you just never know what could have happened. Also, with my grandpa in hospice, it's best for my dad to be home incase he passes.

3. I bought a plane ticket to see Mister. I'm so excited to go out there. I won't go into details, but we need this. I need this. I miss him so much that I could just cry. It's weird, I dealt with the distance so much better when he was in Japan. Maybe it's because when he was there I knew it wasn't possible for me to visit him. Neither of us could afford a $2000 plane ticket alone. Now, I can afford the ticket to California, the problem is, with him deploying soon, we can't seem to figure out a time to get me out there during all of his training. I'm trying to be positive, but goodness it's annoying.  We're both literally crossing our fingers that I will be able to fly out there in the next couple of weeks and that nothing will come up and that my ticket doesn't go to waste.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Emotionally Abused.

I just found out that HE is single now. I guess it just happened recently, although I'm not sure why and I truly don't care to know. He could have been bad to her {wouldn't doubt it} or she could have cheated on him {wouldn't surprise me}, but he's single and I'm scared. It's been so long since he's contacted me and I don't want or need him to try to do so again.

The "he" is my ex. I talked about him when I first started my blog a couple years back, but he hasn't been mentioned in a while simply because he isn't a part of my life anymore. He will always be a part of my past though. No one will ever really know how much of a toll the relationship took on me. After we broke up I turned to alcohol to try to stop the pain; it usually only made it worse. For God knows how long, I cried pretty much every night on our deck once my family was asleep. I would look at the stars and wonder what he was doing and cry out to God to know why forgetting him was so hard. I learned no one ever forgets someone, you just realize one day that it no longer hurts.

I haven't completely got to that point yet of no longer hurting, but I'm closer to it than I ever have been. I'm still pissed for everything that he put me through and how he treated me, but I'm also mad that I ever let it happen. It's crazy how you can look back and see what was happening, yet during the relationship you were so blind. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I couldn't find a way out. I never knew what was going to trigger him or how it got to the place that it did. All I knew was that I hated how he treated me and I thought maybe I could change him... maybe if I acted a certain way he'd like me more which therefore would make all the yelling stop. It would make him stick around longer. It would make him love me. It never happened and I've learned since then you can't change someone. Sometimes I wonder if I was actually myself if things would have turned out differently; I'm glad they didn't.

Every now and then when he gets brought up, the pain all surfaces back. It's so much easier though then it was before. The healing process from being emotionally abused is in progress. Oddly enough, I don't remember a lot that happened in the relationship anymore. I don't know if that's because it just doesn't matter or if it's because the really bad times out-weigh the good so much that it's made me forget a portion of the relationship. I remember the first, second, and third time he cheated on me though. The first he was scared of losing me and the other two he didn't care because he knew I wasn't going anywhere. Ugh. I also remember the day I caught him in a lie and stuck up for myself. Stupid fool he was - lies catch up to you sooner or later. The one moment I'll never forget, is when he thought I was raped {which I wasn't} and said, "So are you like pregnant now or something." It never even crossed his mind to ask if I was OK or show any kind of care towards me. Infact, he hung up the phone like he had done a million times only a couple minutes into that conversation. His friends were better to me than he ever was and when you have his friends telling you he's no good, then a girl should know to run and run far.

Now, I can happily say I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in and I'm so very happy. If you would have asked me during and after the abusive relationship if I still believed in love, the answer would have been yes, the only difference is now I've finally found it. Soon I'll be happily married and I know that the things I went through are ones I will never have to experience again. They've only made me a stronger woman and motivate me to be the best fiance I can be.

"I am worthy of love and respect."

Friday, June 3, 2011

First Commercial Photo Shoot!!

Last Wednesday was a big day for me! I got the chance to take pictures at a college in Kansas for a graphic design company. I finally had the chance to sit down and post the pictures on my photography blog. Feel free to check them out here! I'm pretty excited about how they turned out!

I have been so busy lately that I haven't had the chance to talk much about all of the wedding plans {more lack there of, ha!}. They're coming along as good as they can! We still have no idea when Mister is going to be deploying so we haven't done much for our actual wedding day.  I have started doing more of the planning for our vow renewals though. We have most of the little stuff done. We have a good idea of how many people are coming, what our centerpieces are, and I have my dress (YAY!). Financially, we're trying to keep things inexpensive. My mom found bride and groom wine glasses at a garage sale for only three dollars! Normally, they're about twenty-five. Garage sales have become my best friend!

Well, I am off to edit more picture and to clean up around the house quick before sleep time. I hope you all a very great night!
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