Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Emotionally Abused.

I just found out that HE is single now. I guess it just happened recently, although I'm not sure why and I truly don't care to know. He could have been bad to her {wouldn't doubt it} or she could have cheated on him {wouldn't surprise me}, but he's single and I'm scared. It's been so long since he's contacted me and I don't want or need him to try to do so again.

The "he" is my ex. I talked about him when I first started my blog a couple years back, but he hasn't been mentioned in a while simply because he isn't a part of my life anymore. He will always be a part of my past though. No one will ever really know how much of a toll the relationship took on me. After we broke up I turned to alcohol to try to stop the pain; it usually only made it worse. For God knows how long, I cried pretty much every night on our deck once my family was asleep. I would look at the stars and wonder what he was doing and cry out to God to know why forgetting him was so hard. I learned no one ever forgets someone, you just realize one day that it no longer hurts.

I haven't completely got to that point yet of no longer hurting, but I'm closer to it than I ever have been. I'm still pissed for everything that he put me through and how he treated me, but I'm also mad that I ever let it happen. It's crazy how you can look back and see what was happening, yet during the relationship you were so blind. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I couldn't find a way out. I never knew what was going to trigger him or how it got to the place that it did. All I knew was that I hated how he treated me and I thought maybe I could change him... maybe if I acted a certain way he'd like me more which therefore would make all the yelling stop. It would make him stick around longer. It would make him love me. It never happened and I've learned since then you can't change someone. Sometimes I wonder if I was actually myself if things would have turned out differently; I'm glad they didn't.

Every now and then when he gets brought up, the pain all surfaces back. It's so much easier though then it was before. The healing process from being emotionally abused is in progress. Oddly enough, I don't remember a lot that happened in the relationship anymore. I don't know if that's because it just doesn't matter or if it's because the really bad times out-weigh the good so much that it's made me forget a portion of the relationship. I remember the first, second, and third time he cheated on me though. The first he was scared of losing me and the other two he didn't care because he knew I wasn't going anywhere. Ugh. I also remember the day I caught him in a lie and stuck up for myself. Stupid fool he was - lies catch up to you sooner or later. The one moment I'll never forget, is when he thought I was raped {which I wasn't} and said, "So are you like pregnant now or something." It never even crossed his mind to ask if I was OK or show any kind of care towards me. Infact, he hung up the phone like he had done a million times only a couple minutes into that conversation. His friends were better to me than he ever was and when you have his friends telling you he's no good, then a girl should know to run and run far.

Now, I can happily say I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in and I'm so very happy. If you would have asked me during and after the abusive relationship if I still believed in love, the answer would have been yes, the only difference is now I've finally found it. Soon I'll be happily married and I know that the things I went through are ones I will never have to experience again. They've only made me a stronger woman and motivate me to be the best fiance I can be.

"I am worthy of love and respect."


bigguysmama said...

I'm so glad for the place you're in now. Praying that the ex keeps to himself and your worries will be put to rest!

♥ Mimi

Becca said...

I can really relate to this as I too had a really bad "EX" relationship...I love that I am now married and the happiest I've ever been...Thanking God I found away out of that situation. My "EX" looked me up on Facebook a few weeks back after 3 years; I accepted his request simply because it felt like the right thing; to show my husband, the ex and myself that I was beyond all of that. That I had forgivin and REALLY moved on...I really have and it feels wonderful to see him on-line and my heart not jump:)I hope this all sorts itself out!

love jenny xoxo said...

I so glad you were able to escape that mess and find true happiness! You definitely deserve real love!


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