Friday, September 30, 2011

The Break Down.

Here I am sitting in front of my parent’s laptop about to have an emotional breakdown. The past six months have been a rollercoaster for my family and I. Six days after my birthday my grandpa passed away. He’s lived with emphysema for as long as I can remember due to a missing gene in his lungs. We were expecting him to pass, but I wasn’t able to be by his side because I simply could no longer watch him fight for each breath and listen as his lungs were literally mush. A couple days before he passed, I visited him for a couple hours and just bawled as I sat by his side. The whole time I felt anxious and literally wanted to breakdown. I had to leave. I didn’t want to remember him that way. I believe he understands though. I’m just thankful that the last words I muttered to him were, “I love you,” as I kissed him on his forehead and brushed his gray hair. I just really wish he was here…

I was more than blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I know he’s in Heaven now breathing in deep breaths and enjoying his time with his older brother and parents. I love and miss you so much grampy… I know that I will see you again. Watch over our family.

On top of my grandpas passing, I’ve been trying to emotionally prepare for my fiancĂ© deploying, as well as us getting married in less than a month. I wish I could tell you what was going to happen on our wedding day, but I have no clue myself. Therefore: stressed. We’re either getting married at my church or a nearby park. We’re either inviting twenty-six people, twenty-four people, twenty-two people or making it strictly parents and us (therefore, eight people). We’re either skipping on a reception or going to a nearby restaurant and hopefully keeping the bill under $600. Basically we’re all either going to go bald from stressing so much or go bald from literally pulling out our own hair. No joke.

I can fully understand why people elope. I get it. I don’t think I could do it without my parents, but I understand why anyone would want to just go off, get married, and not worry what anyone else thinks or says. Weddings are so much stress although most of it I think we bring upon ourselves. At least, that’s what I’m starting to think. I’m beginning to not care what anyone else thinks. I just want to be married already…

& so the emotional breakdown continues.
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