Friday, September 30, 2011

The Break Down.

Here I am sitting in front of my parent’s laptop about to have an emotional breakdown. The past six months have been a rollercoaster for my family and I. Six days after my birthday my grandpa passed away. He’s lived with emphysema for as long as I can remember due to a missing gene in his lungs. We were expecting him to pass, but I wasn’t able to be by his side because I simply could no longer watch him fight for each breath and listen as his lungs were literally mush. A couple days before he passed, I visited him for a couple hours and just bawled as I sat by his side. The whole time I felt anxious and literally wanted to breakdown. I had to leave. I didn’t want to remember him that way. I believe he understands though. I’m just thankful that the last words I muttered to him were, “I love you,” as I kissed him on his forehead and brushed his gray hair. I just really wish he was here…

I was more than blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I know he’s in Heaven now breathing in deep breaths and enjoying his time with his older brother and parents. I love and miss you so much grampy… I know that I will see you again. Watch over our family.

On top of my grandpas passing, I’ve been trying to emotionally prepare for my fiancé deploying, as well as us getting married in less than a month. I wish I could tell you what was going to happen on our wedding day, but I have no clue myself. Therefore: stressed. We’re either getting married at my church or a nearby park. We’re either inviting twenty-six people, twenty-four people, twenty-two people or making it strictly parents and us (therefore, eight people). We’re either skipping on a reception or going to a nearby restaurant and hopefully keeping the bill under $600. Basically we’re all either going to go bald from stressing so much or go bald from literally pulling out our own hair. No joke.

I can fully understand why people elope. I get it. I don’t think I could do it without my parents, but I understand why anyone would want to just go off, get married, and not worry what anyone else thinks or says. Weddings are so much stress although most of it I think we bring upon ourselves. At least, that’s what I’m starting to think. I’m beginning to not care what anyone else thinks. I just want to be married already…

& so the emotional breakdown continues.

6 comments:

Skinnie Piggie said...

If it makes you feel any better you're not alone in the "emotional breakdown/anxiety" department... I'm praying everything goes smoothly!

E said...

Im sorry to hear about your grandfather. I'm familiar with the moment, guilty moment of choosing between a fond memory of the
And sticking by their side till the very end. I hope your wedding situation becomes less stressful if not before the date, immediately after you say "I do". I also hope posting brought you some relief.

Krista said...

i eloped. best decision of my life.
id be an insane bridezilla. and all that planning for just one day? not my style.

Jen said...

I agree about big weddings. My hubby and I had 13 people at our wedding and got married at a little chapel in Vegas (our hometown). I am so sorry about your Grandpa passing, losing family is so hard. HUGS!!!

chambanachik said...

:( I'm sorry about your grandpa, and I hope things get better soon.

Jessica said...

so sorry you are dealing with so much stress right now...hoping it will get better. Hang on to those wonderful memories of your grandfather. I understand. I lost mine a year and a half ago and not a day goes by that i dont think about him. So glad I have the memories though. I know your so ready to be married. Hoping the time passes quickly and the wedding is everything you want it to be. :)

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